10 Gentle Tips for Living with Grief
Becoming a mother awakened a whole new layer of grief; it was like losing my own mam all over again. Nobody prepared me for the loss I would feel, but the initiation into motherhood brought with it an aching for my mother’s company, for her wisdom and her love. It also brought the realisation that the loss is forever, even when the feelings of acute grief were long gone. Grief can be sneaky like that.
Before I say more - if you are reading this because you have recently lost somebody special, my sincere and deepest condolences are with you. If you are struggling to understand how life will ever feel OK again, I hear you.
My mam’s death was the most profound and excruciatingly painful experience of my life. It still takes my breath away if I linger with the memory for even a moment. At the time, I was completely zeroed by it. Unable to function, fuzzy-headed, I waded through the day like a swamp monster. She haunted my dreams, and I would relive those final months of her dying. For a few seconds upon waking, I could not find reality. Where was I? It was a world I was unfamiliar with, because she wasn’t in it. My whole body was in pain and my heart was so heavy with sorrow.
Despite my deep connection to yoga, Eastern philosophy teachings, and psychotherapy, I felt completely untethered. I understood that my nervous system was in overwhelm, and yet this understanding made it no less challenging to live with the sensation that I had been steamrolled by a tank.
I was assured that in time I would feel her presence - that her love was in me. Instead, her goneness enveloped and suffocated me.
And I sit here now, writing, remembering, in the hopes that it will give some solace to somebody out there who is on page 1 of their loss. Grief is one of the most deeply human experiences we can go through. Whether it arrives suddenly or is anticipated, it can shake us to our core emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
If you’re grieving right now, I want you to know that there is no “right” way to do this. Here are some gentle reminders and tips that may support you during this time:
1. Don’t compare your grief, it is unique to you.
Grief is as unique as the relationship you’ve lost. It can be tempting to compare your experience to others - how long they took to "move on," how they’re coping, or how they express their emotions. But your loss is yours alone, and so is the path you take through it. You may feel absolutely nothing, you may feel devastated, you feel rage, hope or freedom. It’s all normal. Give yourself permission to feel exactly what you feel, without judgment.
2. Grief Is Physical Too
Many people are surprised by the physical toll grief can take. It might show up as stomach pain, joint aches, headaches, an aching heart, trouble sleeping, or even panic attacks. Some studies suggest that people may feel pain in the part of the body connected to their loved one’s cause of death. In life our bodies and nervous systems are deeply connected to those we love, and so the profound loss can impact our bodies in unexpected ways. It can really help to know that this is normal.
The stress of grief can also weaken your immune system, making you more susceptible to illness. If you’re experiencing persistent physical symptoms, it’s wise to check in with your GP, just in case.
3. Recognise the Nervous System’s Response
Grief can trigger a full-body stress response. You might feel anxiety, irritability, restlessness, hypervigilance, muscle tension, fatigue, or a strong desire to withdraw and hide. People often expect sadness, but feel blindsided by this kind of physical and emotional overwhelm.
Understanding that this is your nervous system in stress can help you respond with compassion and seek ways to soothe and support it.
4. Expect to Move Between Two Worlds
It’s normal to shift between two emotional states. I like to think of it as the two wings of a bird, neither one more important than the other. One side is where you feel the raw pain of loss, and the other is where you begin to glimpse a reality without your person. That second state often comes with guilt or resistance, as if allowing yourself to adapt means you’re letting go. The truth is we are wired for loss, and we are incredibly adaptable. So while we grieve and struggle to make sense of the world without this person in it, we can also function and accept on some level that life continues. These shifts are a very natural part of the process. If you can, allow both to exist without forcing one away.
5. There are no Stages of Grief
Invariably somebody kind and well-meaning will remind you of the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) and how you must pass through each one to complete the work of grief. In fact, this stage model was always intended by Kübler-Ross to be the five stages of dying, yet somewhere along the way it was adopted as a grief theory. There is no evidence of these stages being real. Relationships are rarely simple. When someone dies, all sorts of feelings can surface - love, anger, regret, confusion, guilt, sorrow, emptiness, relief, fear. It's okay to hold seemingly contradictory emotions at once.
Grief can stir up unresolved wounds or things left unsaid. This, too, is a normal part of the grieving process.
6. You don’t have to “get over it”
We no longer think about grief as something that shrinks over time or that we eventually ‘get over’. We now understand that the grief may stay the same but our life grows around, and our identity expands in order to hold it. Instead of it feeling overwhelming, it becomes part of us. This means that you don’t have to do anything to ‘move on’, or complete grief work (even though well-meaning relatives might tell you otherwise). You can focus on doing the things that feel supportive and meaningful for you, knowing that in time there will be new experiences and that life will continue. This doesn’t mean you are forgetting or leaving anyone behind, but instead you will have developed the capacity to carry them with you.
7. Let Nature Support You
Nature really is medicine for the nervous system. Spending time outdoors, even briefly, can have a grounding and calming effect. If you're feeling overwhelmed, try stepping outside and looking up at the sky, listening to the wind, or touching the earth.
It doesn’t have to be a long hike, just a moment of connection.
8. Tell the story
Storytelling is such a fundamental part of our human experience, and one of the ways that we process big changes in our lives. Each time we tell the story of what happened our mind lets in another piece of the reality. We may tell it differently each time, as we remember or forget certain details. We may tell it differently as the lens of anger, sadness, regret or guilt takes over. This is all part of the healing. Some people find writing it all down in a journal, or writing letters to their loved one can be helpful. If the people in your life are unwilling or unable to hear the story (they might be in their own grieving journey) it can help to speak to a grief counsellor or therapist who will listen with compassion.
9. Expect the Loss to Surface Again (and Again)
After the initial months and years—after the “firsts” like birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays—you may begin to feel the sharp edges of grief soften. You will have grown around the grief, expanded and integrated the loss. Then, one day, something might happen (big or small), and the loss hits you all over again. When we love someone so deeply we might always miss them during the special moments in our lives, or the simple moments like watching a sunset or listening to a piece of music you know they would love.
A woman once told me that she experienced a huge ache of grief for her husband (who had been dead for 30 years) when her daughter gave birth and she went to meet the baby. It was the realisation that this was a moment they would have shared together.
This is normal. It doesn’t mean you’re back at the beginning. It means the love has not gone anywhere.
10. Reach Out If You Need Support
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and no set timeline. But if the intensity of your grief feels unmanageable, if you’re feeling stuck, or would just like someone to talk to who can listen without giving advice, you might benefit from connecting with a counsellor or therapist.
A trained professional can walk alongside you, help soothe your nervous system, and support you in finding ways to live with your loss.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
They say that time heals all wounds, and for many, time does ease the intensity of grief. But sometimes, time alone isn’t enough.
I offer an integrative, compassionate therapeutic space where you can feel seen, heard, and supported—where we can explore your grief together and help your nervous system find safety again.
If this speaks to you, I’d love to hear from you.
